Crow's Column

July 16, 2006.

I've been pissed off lately, nothing can hide that now. This is almost a throwback to the Ravenhood cloumn. By the way this column represents the first anniversary of shorebirds.org columns, check the archives.

You know those WWJD bracelets and the hypocrites who wear them? I know this subject has been beaten to death and is not even en vogue anymore, but it’s got me worked up right now because of a few things interacting in my recent experiences and the news.

Do you have a job? Jesus would quit and start begging or if you want to euphemize it, Jesus would start asking the people to provide for him so that he can travel around and lecture on what’s right and wrong. You know I’m kind of like that. I don’t ask the people to finance my soap boxes, but I do go around spreading my opinions about what is right and wrong, and telling people how I think they should live. And what’s even better about me is that my day job backs up my story, I’m not a hypocrite in that sense, I do what I tell people to do.

So the WWJD fizucks go around in their pick-up trucks telling you not to drink or look at porn and they’re killing us all! Jesus was a drop out from society! He never would have voted Republican! You go to the ballot box with your GD WWJD bracelet on and pull that arm voting Republican and you’re a hypocrite! Go F yourself and realize that you’re a worthless scourge on the Earth and you need to rethink your own GD life instead of trying to tell people what they need to do better. Unless you are the non-proselytizing type of GDWWJD wearer (Baha'i be praised (they can’t preach to you unless you ask them to)) that wears the bracelet to remind yourself to act a certain way, then you’re ok with me sort of. You might not have the first idea what Jesus would really have done and you’re probably living such a farce of a life that Jesus would completely walk away, but it’s nice that you’re trying to look inside yourself and draw something better out.

I too seek perfection in my daily pursuits; I don’t need an armband to remind me, but if it helps you, OK. Now it’s trendy to be like “W-W-C-D! What would Crow do?” I’ll tell you the answer to that one, Crow would tell you your whole belief structure centers around a bunch of power hungry SOBs that sat down and agreed to propagate some story that they all agreed was fictional so that the masses (that’s you) could be controlled and taxed. How can anyone believe in Christianity? I don’t understand it, but I do respect Jesus as a historical figure; I just don’t see how so many people can see him for something even their own books say he wasn’t. You want to quit your job, walk around trying to clean up the world and helping people? Great, Awesome, I’ll personally purchase your GDWWJD bracelet because you’ve got it. You want to be some kind of business consultant conducting sales 5 days a week, raise a family, commute to work in your SUV, and vote Republican? Jesus would hate you and I’m getting there too (maybe I am Jesus).

What’s your favorite body part on your body? Ever thought about that? What do you want someone intimate with you to notice? Me, I thought it all out before this article and I decided I like under-cleavage. I like it on the ladies when they wear bikinis that show such a thing, but mostly I like my own. You know that smooth sloping area where the pecs flatten out to the rib cage? Mind you, I don’t pump the iron so my pecs are small and there is no fold or crease in the skin there; I think that’s what I like, the smoothness of it all. Creases are ugly to me. I’m sure you’ve seen the ladies that could get a tattoo under their breasts and still have it hidden by the fold over of the breast, maybe that’s why I’ve always preferred smaller racks: no creases. Some guys like them large, but I want things to be smooth.

Asses are the same way; if they are firm, there is no crease, just a sharp curve, but in the 50s and 70s the “hang-over” butt was in and guys were crazy for it. Look at the Playboy spreads from back then, creases everywhere. Luckily I wasn’t alive, but now it’s all either airbrushed or it’s just not there. No creases anywhere. I will admit however that my knowledge of what’s commonplace in porno is lacking and perhaps I should investigate further before I stick my neck too far out on this one. Whatever the case, I don’t like creases. Underarms? Creased; ugly. Chins? Better not be any creases there. Kneecaps? Some people get creases there! Anyway, I’m not saying you’re a bad person if you’re all creasy, I’m just saying that I don’t find it attractive. I’ve got creases all over the place so maybe I’m as hypocritical as the GDWWJD fizucks, but I don’t care, I like what I like.

You ever see a hubcap rolling down the road? Not attached to a car? It’s like us as a people. We’re off course right now, but we don’t know it. The world is turning round the bend, but America is just spinning on down the road in the direction it was pointed. WWIII might be upon us right now; we don’t care. Gas prices soar; we don’t care. Unemployment is at an all time high (if you use consistent measurement techniques, Bush changed the way unemployment is calculated in case you didn’t know), but we don’t care. Credit card debt is at an all time high, and people are paying less and less of their bills. What the hell are we doing? I don’t know, just keep on rolling in this direction, it’s been working! When do we change? When is the time to realize that sending billions to communist China each year, while proudly beating our chest about how we defeated communism in the Soviet Union is a load of hypocritical BS? Get out my GDWWJD bracelet, I want to join the hypocrites club!

Why are we sending billions to the Middle East by buying gasoline when the average American hates their religion, their civil rights, and they hate us? Why do we do that? Are we stupid? Well no, we’re ignorant and wearing blinders, but I believe if we knew, we’d do something. Remember the anti-drug commercials that said, "If you're smoking pot, you're supporting terrorism."? How about "If you drive your car, you're supporting terrorism." that would be much more accurate. Our leaders are selling us out, can’t people see that!? Personal profit for them means America fades away and lots of people die, but we sit here contentedly rolling down the road. I don’t know what else to do, guess I’ll keep on rolling.

Look people: the money changers are all up in the temple and we need to get the GDWWJD message out. Jesus would be kicking over the tables and telling them, Hell no, not in my house! But no, kicking the tables over, that’s not the Jesus I know, the Jesus I know drives the biggest F-ing car he can find all by himself, listens to pop music, surfs the internet for naked Britney Spears and occasionally gets this feeling that maybe, just maybe life is meaningless. Oh well forget about it, that’s what Jesus did right?

Crow